A Whole New World

Holy cow it’s been ages. Let me update you! 

The song, “A whole new world” is incredibly fitting for our lives right now. (For several reasons) I wish I could put the track that Dallin and Aubrey sang together for this! 

Final days in AZ

It was so sad during the last month or two because we had to say so many goodbyes. And I suck at goodbyes. 

The scariest few days of my whole life

This was such a traumatic experience for me I hate even writing about it. Basically, kinder got a fever that’s wasn’t going down and it was so high the pediatrician told us to go to the ER. They did tons and tons of tests and we were there for 10 nerve-wracking hours. Every test came back normal and they chalked it up to a virus. We have so much to be grateful for. We were lucky Dallins parents were visiting at the time to be home with cooper. 

I was pumping at the time still (so thankful I’m done with that now) and another thing to be thankful for was that I got the wireless pump this time so that I could do it in the car. I ended up spilling it all over myself and then looked like an idiot the rest of the day lol 

Dallin was so calm and patient and good with the pressure of it all. I was an emotional wreck.

We were lucky they gave us a room. They were so busy they had beds lining the walls in the hallways

Ever since that day I couldn’t ever put her in that onesie again

She was so tough. Not even two months old yet. We were so scared we were up for like 2 nights straight just watching her breathe and making sure her fever stayed down. (It didn't, but they said as long as there is some kind of response to the Tylenol you're okay.) I felt so relieved when she was finally doing well.

Dallins parents visited twice and we loved seeing them and so grateful for all the help they were with the kids and house.

This was Dallin and Justin’s final war hammer battle before the move. Dallin was so sad.

monsoon!

He saw this at Costco and said Olaf! 

Smiling in her sleep

Sara and Dave encouraged me to go with my gut on everything with Kinley.( feeding and health and sleep, etc.) and it really boosted my confidence and reduced my anxiety a lot. I never had to deal with being emotional or depressed last time and this time it hit me so so hard. They were so supportive and helped me figure out ways to feel like myself again. 

Fell asleep with his flashlight

one month appointment 

with kin kin

 Wanted to compare it to coopers 1 month appointment to see if they look similar

Lexi and raeanna visited and brought us dinner and that was so nice of them. Every small gesture from anyone made a big difference for me because it was such a hard time 

At the dr the next day after the ER experience . She was so so fussy she was like inconsolable for a week or so

More pics from that worrying horrible hospital experience 

Coopers haircut in arizon went so easy because we could go to sharkeys and he’s used to it and they are used to squirmy kids and they give him a sucker and Balloon and put on shows. So he did so good there. Different story in mn 

My last appointment to the obgyn. I was so beyond grateful and excited to be done

These are her measurements at 1 month.

coop complaining the sun was in his eyes in the car. I have to say that is definitely not a problem anymore lol the sun goes down early here and it's hardly ever sunny so we miss that about Arizona

We loved playing games with dallins parents but kinder wants to be held always

We love her chubby cheeks and wrists

I was spying on dallin as he put Cooper down for the night and I thought it was funny that they both had their own little rocking chairs. The one coop is in was one that my dad saved for me that was mine when I was his age.

Since I took a picture at one month pp last time I did it again this time. I remember in that photo I was looking and feeling great and I loved my new life with a kid and I was excited for the future. The weight came off way faster last time and I was all stoked that I was able to wear regular (non maternity) jeans. This time, however, was a complete 180 from that. In this picture it was a rare time where I tried at least a tiny bit with my appearance for basically no reason at all. (All I was doing was going to Walgreens for the sole purpose of getting out of the house because my entire life now is taking care of children and I have no reason to leave or get ready at all.) I remember I was feeling very overwhelmed and depressed in this picture and I couldn't button up the shorts I put on. I was not feeling good about myself or my weight and I was not feeling like I did last time. Mostly just depleted emotionally and physically.  I have a lot more empathy for people who go through depression regularly and SAHM's who complain. Because holy $*#@ it's hard. (Not that I didn’t know already that SAHM life was hard. That is exactly why I never wanted to do it lol )

Cooper interacting with Kinley is the cutest, sweetest thing. He is such a good big brother.

watch at your own risk! This is Cooper trying to say "frog" lol 😂 

Kinley started smiling way before Cooper did. She has pretty much been faster at everything actually!

I took Cooper to the park to see Katie and Maddy and we tried to swing but the swings were boiling and we had to go in the morning and we couldn't stay long because of how hot it was. Such different problems than in Minnesota. It was good because they have a splash pad and we loved seeing them again. It had been so long since we had been social at all and it felt good to be a friend to someone instead of always just the mom.

 

Sadie loves her 🥰

Kinley is so needy that pretty much all I could do is put on show after show for Cooper. I felt horrible about it but if I was taking care of both of them by myself I literally couldn't figure out how to do anything else with him. It was a major major adjustment for me. We went from having only one pretty easy kid to having a really hard one and a toddler who still needs help with things. So yikes.

This made me feel less guilty about the amount of screen time coop had from July to now. lol so funny. And we are doing way less screen time now so I'm sure it will be okay.

Because it happens so infrequently, i end up documenting it when she is willing to be independent 

Cooper wasn’t that jealous of her, because we were really focusing on giving him a lot of attention too. But he definitely wanted to use everything that she used

We had been debating on whether or not to put him in a regular bed for a long time. Finally we just decided to go for it. It really wasn’t that hard at all. Dallin just told him to stay in his bed and he took apart the crib, and put the mattress on the floor. 

The first night he stayed in his bed religiously lol so much so that when I came in to get him in the morning he didn’t know if he was allowed to come hug me

After a while he started to move around the room a lot. But he couldn’t open the door, so it was still OK. He seem to be sleeping still just never on the bed

I miss having these sleep cameras 

She is pretty hit and miss on the car seat. Sometimes she loves it and falls right to sleep and other times she screams the whole car ride so you never really know

Our stuff was disappearing little by little and you could tell it was freaking Cooper out. This was all of us watching a Cardinals football game on the floor with no rug

I have noticed that Cooper doesn’t like to play with toys in the conventional way. Usually he wants to use it in a different way then it’s made to be used. Or he just wants to play with weird things and not the toys. So here he is sweeping keys lol 

Dallin was so excited to take coop to his first movie and he only lasted about 20 minutes and wanted to leave (hate to say I told you so but…..) lol 😂 we still had a pretty good time tho

His face hahaha he’s so excited 

So much fun-just us and the mosquitoes having a blast 😂

Sara gave me the courage to buy clothes so that I don’t have to wait to lose every pound before I can look normal and feel confident again. Going to the store was rough lol that was the first time I’ve had to buy something from the plus section 😱 but it was cheap because we went to Ross and tj max and I got things that will mostly be useful for a while. But anyway while trying stuff on I thought it was funny how clearly not my style this was hahahah I am such a conservative preppy classic type person. 

Cooper got his own tablet so that he can use it on the plane and he seemed to like it.

Kinders first time swimming!

She liked it!

I was glad she got to do it for the first time with "pa" because he ended up swimming with every grandchild in one summer and we made a video of it! Here it is

She spits up a lot so that's fun 

I noticed that when I have normal clothes on and I do my hair and some makeup and get out of the house it boosts my whole day. I was just not made for this stay at home mom life. 

And in Arizona I could do my nails to feel more like myself again but here they don’t stick for some reason

I started to feel more confident when I was dieting and seeing the weight come off. I still have about 11 pounds to go but I have come a long way for sure

It takes sacrifice from Dallin to have something like this happen but I just absolutely have to have some time for myself even if it’s only an hour or two once a month. Him having his busy season at work, moving, having no friends yet, and a fussy baby all at the same time is a recipe for disaster. I can’t do anything by myself or for myself like at all. I have to choose between doing the dishes and showering because I know I have so little time I can take the screaming of putting her down. It’s so unbelievably hard.

Sadie ended up using that stupid boppy more than Kinley did. Kinley could scoot off of it almost immediately and cooper never could. At less than a month old we would find her hanging halfway off backwards. So we stopped using it

They love each other 

Our last play date with Katie and the kids 😞 we will miss Katie Camden savannah Audrey Carson and Maddie. And also Jessi wade Olivia and ryker

Here’s more pics from their 2nd visit. I was begging them to never leave lol

They were amazing and let us go to a date and hotel for a night so that we could sleep. It was amazing 

Kinley's first time at a restaurant

I thought it was so cute that coop wanted to make funny faces for the camera haha

You know she’s a tough baby when even Dallin (the most patient person in the entire world) can’t handle her for more than 10 minutes 😂

Dallin was so sad to leave his season tickets for the cardinals. He went to one last game with Josh and I suffered through two kids on my own lol what else is new

We also miss Josh so much too. He is such a good friend.

 
It’s a good thing she’s cute 🥰 

We were able to go out again the second time his parents visited for our anniversary. I think this time it really hit us how old we’re getting and how fast time is passing. I can’t believe it’s been 8 years since our wedding and 12 since we met!! I was so happy to be able to get this special bottle of wine we talked about and be able to drink it and go to a fancy restaurant and have babysitting. We were so fortunate to have that night. And also we were both feeling so fortunate for each other and how the 8 years ended up going. Never would we have thought that we would end up where we have so it’s been an adventure but we both feel so lucky it’s gone so well.

Cooper was so sad when they left. (And so was I!)

Tina came to visit a couple times too before we left and gosh I miss her too. And I’m so weird when I have to say goodbye. Lol it’s kindof like I try to just avoid it. Anyways she was so nice and helpful and it was good to see her

Looking back at this picture I know I have come a long way with my weight loss which is very encouraging. I’m lucky because I haven’t been working out consistently because I’ve been exhausted or constantly holding her

2 month appointment for baby kin kin!! Dallin had to miss work to come with me so it meant a lot to me that he made it work because I had been feeling lonely and sick of the monotony and coexisting with each other but never actually spending time together because of how busy we were getting ready for the move. It seems pathetic but to me just going to th doctor and then Starbucks after was like we went on a date. 

It was kindof a rough appointment because they told me to stop having any lactose and I got really overwhelmed after looking at all the food labels at home because its in everything. So I tried for like 2 days and then gave up. But luckily it didn’t make much of a difference for her

The big move

This was our last picture all together with the house. Dallin and I were going different places since I was coming here with the kids and he was going to Hawaii for his sisters wedding. So we had to take the picture about a week before we actually left it because He left before we did

Sadie clearly doesn’t know how to take pictures yet lol Jake was very good about it though

Of course the little trees in our backyard never had any fruit until right when we’re leaving. But right before we left we found a lime on a branch!

It broke my heart to take this down in the garage and throw it away so I had to make sure it was documented.

Last pictures in our empty house with all of us

Then Shelly got there, Dallin left, Jessi and wade got home from Washington and took some food from the fridge and we said bye, and I got a quick visit from Rachael and Todd who were in town for a wedding

It was so good to see them again. Man there was a lot going on that weekend lol

This was us saying goodbye to all his friends at daycare and marni and her husband and mom. It was so sad . Afterwards I was trying not to cry when we drove home

This was his first day with marni and his last 😭 

She became like family to him so when we read this book about moving and the character meets the new teacher he said “nee nee” and the other kids in the class he said were Daniel and Avery. I think he misses them.

These two outfits were one of the only things I purchased and was so excited to finally take pictures of them wearing the matching outfits together. And let me tell you it went nothing like what I imagined of that moment in my head. Lol I tried bribery, sitting next to them, and nothing worked so I ended up the just cutting him out of a picture where he was sitting and looking and her out of a picture where she was looking and then putting them together in one photo. I also had to cut my hand out where I was holding her up. So I know it’s a terrible photo but it’s all I’ve got and at least I got something because after an incident in Walmart that onsie is no-longer 😂 (she filled up her car seat with poop like she was swimming in poop on a day when I forgot to bring the diaper bag. So long story short I had to buy diapers and wipes at the store and do it all in the bathroom and I ended up having to throw away the onesie because it was just destroyed/soaked.)

This was me and Tina trying to get the picture. He wanted nothing to do with her and she kept squirming and crying so it was tough.

Tina got this one of me and the kids and that was nice because I feel like I always take the pics so I'm never in them.

I am going to miss our AZ babysitters soooo much. They were such sweet, hardworking, respectful, smart, talented, kind, mature, funny, wonderful girls. I could go on and on about them. They helped me pack up for the move and I could not have done it without them. This is Lily. She is planning to serve in the military.

And this is Madalyn. She actually got a soccer scholarship to play in North Dakota so she won't be too far from us!

Keeping coop entertained while packing everything up was difficult. I kept putting off packing his toys and did it little by little as it got closer so that he would have something to play with. I did the same with all of our clothes as well. (Except mine because I had so little I actually could fit into.)

Seeing the yard (which was usually cluttered with toys, dog balls, weeds, chalk scribbles, sprinklers, chairs, etc.) all cleaned up and ready for the move made me very sad. The kids probably won't even remember this place but Dallin and I loved it so much. We put tons of work into that house so it was beautiful and we have so many amazing memories there. Part of me still can't believe we ever left it. It was definitely time for a new adventure and I don't regret it at all, but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard to do. I don't know if it's our "forever state," but a chunk of our hearts will always be in Arizona because of how those 6 years were.

I brought the dogs over to Lexi and Justin and said goodbye to them all awkwardly while trying not to freak out and bawl my eyes out. They've been friends for like 7 years now and we've watched their girls grow up and it's just crazy that all this time has passed. We're so lucky they could watch the dogs for us because otherwise I'm not sure what we would have done about the move. Dallin went to Hawaii and I went to our new house and the dogs stayed with them until Dallin got back. 

I did soooooo much packing in the weeks leading up to the time I left so that it would be easy for dallin when he got back. He got back and then had to make sure everything was good to go for only like 2 days before leaving with the dogs to drive up here. So knowing he was doing it by himself and in so little time, I had to do as much of it as I could. When shelly came to help me fly out with the kids she was surprised at how much I had done and how little there was left to do so I was proud of myself. Dallin said the day he got back actually went easier than he thought because of that too. So picture me flexing my biceps and growling to illustrate/emphasize my amazing-ness lol 

This was Dallin's fun Hawaii trip for the wedding! It was the first time they've had all of the siblings together for a very long time. I am so glad they were able to do that. He said he had so much fun and I'm so happy he was able to get family time with no work and just have a break because he deserves it. He came back to a whirlwind of moving, kids, and AEP so he needed the deep breath beforehand lol 

This was the wedding

a hike

sushi

hike

restaurant

ben and Liam

all the bros

they went to this island in the middle of the ocean that's up to your shins (I'm not good at explaining it) But he loved it

It was funny how much he missed us. He called and texted so much more than he usually does when he's out of town.

When he got back he had to put everything in a box that wasn't already and then there were cleaners and movers who came to load and clean.

The mover drove the uhaul and dallin drove the jeep with the dogs. He said he got emotional pulling away from the house. (I did too so I don't blame him)

dallins official last drive out of az

The dogs HATED being in the car for 3 days. So did dallin for that matter. But it wasn't nearly as hard for him as it would have been for me and the kids. We're wimps. 

When he opened the truck it was piled all the way TO THE BRIM and we got rid of so much of our stuff!

Now these are the pictures from when I left. I have never been that stressed in all of my life but I was trying to play it cool so that Coop didn't pick up on it and get scared. 

I was running around trying to remember everything the night before and the morning of like a psycho.

We had to leave at 4:30 in the morning and I have never travelled with 2 kids before so it was crazy. I had to pump in the bathroom while they were boarding the plane and they had to investigate all our stuff so much. We ended up barely making it and we were the last ones on the plane but it was okay. Coop was trying his best you could tell. But "trying his best" for a 2 year old still means chaos. So I'm very scared for the flight to Hawaii. We thought as long as we gave him the tablet he'd be fine but no. It was a very exciting environment so the tablet couldn't hold a candle to it. 

We made it and my dad was beyond excited to see Cooper. He was excited too but mostly just wired from being overly tired I think. This was the first picture that my dad ever took with Kinder. and the first time they met, really. After hauling carseats, luggage, and kids around and dealing with him, driving for an hour, getting an uber at 4:30, and all the craziness that it was I couldn't believe I did it when we finally made it to the house. 

We got so lucky with kinder because she slept pretty much all day. Which NEVER happens. That was a complete miracle and hasn't happened since.

Cooper was trying to emotionally process what was going on when we got him up and dressed in the middle of the night to go. And I was trying to act like everything was completely normal but I was so sad we were leaving that house and scared about whether or not we would like it here and also worried that dallin had the key because I was locking it behind me. I was also nervous about forgetting something in a locked up house. Anyways lots to be anxious about so I was trying (probably unsuccessfully) to be casual and nonchalant. I know kids can see through it. Like, "hey kid I know it's 4:30 am but lets put your clothes on and get in a strangers car cuz why not? and no I'm not crying, everything is completely normal." lol  

Us on the plane

I prioritize strangely in times of crisis but yes I took the time to do my hair and makeup with a 4:30am flight lol Shelly thought I was crazy

I have never been so tired. 

Anyways this was when we went to the cafeteria at my dads school for lunch and all eyes were on us. We’re a loud rambunctious group 

This was coopers reaction to the great outdoors here hahaha he thought it was weird but so cool. He kept asking to go out. Which was hard by myself with Kinley too

The trees hadn’t quite turned yet so I was thankful I made it before fall

I think the first day we were ina honeymoon phase. Then after that the crap hit the fan. Coop had tons of tantrums, Kinley went back to screaming all the time and waking up every hour in the night I had to do it by myself. So that was a hard couple weeks. 

When I first got here, I couldn't get over how much wide open space there was. Oh and the trees. Love the trees. I missed trees in Arizona.

Cooper didn’t have dirt to play in in Arizona just rocks so he loved it

This was our first morning here. I was in shock. All this time leading up to it and waiting for it and we had finally done it! I couldn't believe I moved to a place I had never even been.

I remember one night I was trying to put Cooper to bed and Kinley was screaming in the other room and he said "kin kin! I heard it! help!" and he ran to her and said help until I picked her up. He is such a sweetheart and I was blown away because that was the first time he showed it for her instead of jealousy. 

I started watching dancing with the stars and that has been a big stress reliever for me and something I look forward to every week. We were lucky that when I came here my parents were still here so there was a tv, dishes, sheets, towels, beds, garbage cans, etc. Because without that we would have had to wait a very long time with no stuff.

We are right on the red river which divides the two states. It’s very pretty but these are just horrible pictures. We live right next to a golf coarse and half the holes are in ND and half in MN. My dad likes to go on golf cartridges with Cooper and come back and say, "we went all the way to North Dakota!" lol

Cooper's sleep got drastically worse as soon as we moved here. 

Coop would demand to go outside and I’m stuck holding Kinley and he kept climbing to the top of this giant mound of dirt on the building site behind us and I kept thinking he’s going to get hurt and there’s nothing I can do to help him get down. But by some miracle he didn’t fall. And then one nap he woke up and they had flattened out the dirt so that was a relief.

My dad saved my kitchen from when I was a kid and cooper likes climbing it and playing with it

Found this gem in it. I was clearly a genius

Kinley got this toy from Shelly and she likes it

I didn't get a picture of it but Cooper got to be in the homecoming parade for the college and they said he had fun. (I wasn't there because I stayed with kin kin)

It was hard not having our stuff set up or here. It was so much work to put the house back together and unpack everything. But once we got that done it was so much better.

The Dark Ages

If you were looking for a light read, go ahead and skip this section hahaha it's gloomy. 

This has been the absolute hardest time of my life by far. Words cannot describe how dark and it has felt like ages, so "dark ages" felt like a good subtitle. Kind of like when you're holding a plank. You know it hasn't been long and you know it won't suck forever, but it still doesn't change the fact that you're shaking,  sweating, struggling, and wondering how you're going to carry on for what feels like an eternity. 

Since I know that sounds dramatic, let me illustrate to you how/why this has happened. 

• When dallin got here with the dogs, Jake immediately got sick. He stayed sick for about a week and a half and then Sadie got it and was sick for a week and a half. And when I say sick, I mean SICK. Explosive diarrhea that they could not control. So I had to put them in diapers and feed them chicken and rice. The amount of diapers I was changing drastically escalated, and worse than that, I was scrubbing carpet full of doggy diarrhea. It was so sad watching them be that sick, especially Sadie. She couldn't eat or even move. She was in that exact position for a few days straight. 
• 
• When the dogs got better, they were excited by everything new about this place and we had no window coverings yet. So you can imagine it.... I finally got her to sleep and just putting her down... and both dogs erupt into a fit of barking because they saw someone drop off an amazon package. ugh. 
• We lost the dogs tons and tons of times while we were trying to figure out how to contain them here. (There's no fence.) The front and back doors blow open with the wind and the dogs run away. We didn't have our new address on their collars and they didn't know where they were in the beginning so there were multiple times when we thought we may never see Jake again. 
• And then there's the fact that Dallin works literally ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME.  because of AEP.
• When we first moved here Cooper figured out he can open all the doors because they are levers instead of knobs. So he could literally just walk out into the street by himself. 
• He could open the gate at the top of the stairs. 
• He wasn't in a crib anymore so he was basically just roaming every night all night. 
• Kinley has never really been a good sleeper. So this meant that no one was ever sleeping. 
• Cooper is also in a fun stage now where he likes to take off his clothes and diaper and pee on everything. 

• Then you also have to layer on top of that the move. We needed to unpack and I was doing that by myself too since he works non stop during AEP. 
• In a new place when you have no friends, you feel that much more isolated. 
• The dishwasher broke too and I was hand washing every single thing for two weeks because its such a small town that a technician couldn't get out here for a while. (Waited all that time just to find out we needed a new one anyway lol )
• Kinley has been clingy since birth and cries the second you try to put her down. It is physically impossible to hold a baby for 24 hours a day unless you have a nanny and maid for the toddler, so it is inevitable that you're going to have to hear the screaming. 

• Cooper was having more tantrums and hard times because I think the change of the move finally hit him. 
• All of that is fine if you have a job and day care, which was my goal. I called every home daycare and facility within an half hour and literally everyone is full for at least a year with a huge waiting list. I don't know how or why people want to be SAHM's but I am one now because I was forced into it with the situation. It is by far the HARDEST JOB ON THE FREAKING PLANET.  I think I cried at least once a day for like two months or more. 
• I found an amazing job that I could do from home while still watching them and making a ton of money and it turned out to be scam. That job gave me a light at the end of the tunnel and then the tunnel collapsed. 
• I never realized how much of my self esteem was based on my job. Getting rejection after rejection from jobs I applied to ended up making me feel embarrassed/ashamed of my career and almost like I didn't have skills or competency. 
• I felt like 100% of my life was filled with things I didn't enjoy doing but I had no choice. Dishes, dog poop, diapers, dinner, etc. (I don't know why all of those examples happen to start with a D hahaha)
• Not being used to the weather when Cooper loves playing outside is difficult. I always use that to help him calm down when he is crying. I just hold him and walk outside and it fixes it quick. Can't do that anymore now that going outside takes at least 30 minutes of fighting him to bundle up. This was yesterday. 9 degrees! this video is hail in mid October
• I felt like I was shoveling in a snowstorm. I was cleaning and working so hard but the house has never been dirtier so it was all for nothing. 
• We had all these plans of getting gym memberships and dropping the kids off at the gym childcare everyday and just getting "swole" as they say lol come to find out there are no gyms with childcare here. Shocking I know. Whenever Dallin said at least we have Hawaii to look forward to, I didn't feel like it would even be a vacation because I just felt like I was chained to these kids. I just thought the day-to-day will still be the same, just in another location. I can never escape them. So there were a few times when the smallness of this town felt stifling for sure. Like when we went to the library and saw another mom and asked what there is to do when you're stuck inside for the winter and she said well this is kinda the only thing. That was a moment of overwhelm. 
• I made the mistake of getting back on Facebook and that has always been a cause for depression in me (which is why I avoided it for the past 2 years). Facebook makes it look like everyone else is thriving, rich, and always on vacation, with hot bodies and clean, huge, beautiful houses and they never age or have bad hair days. lol Or they post pictures with their babies and say "soaking up all the snuggles, so much love... etc." and I end up feeling like a terrible person for wanting a break from the "snuggles" lol 

In essence- the perfect storm. There were daily conversations about what can be done with no solutions and nightly breakdowns where I lost my mind while simultaneously feeling guilty for not enjoying "the gift of time with my children." 

The Renaissance

(That was after the dark ages, right? History was never my strong suit. From what I remember, the renaissance was when people started to think outside the box a little more, which is why so many religious reformations happened.)

There were multiple things that caused the "renaissance" of my dark ages. Here they are. 

• I think the thing that made the biggest difference for me was meeting some friends. I have met some amazing people here that really have changed everything for me. This experience has made me realize just how extroverted I really am and when I don't have any social interaction my whole world falls apart. 
• Dallin was a sweetheart and wanted to help with the social interaction part and started coming down from his office to eat with me and watch a short show. (We're watching bachelor in paradise right now.) Even if it's short, just having some time with him and thinking about something I find entertaining instead of worrying about kids or cleaning or anything else in the world that I don't like is life changing. 
• We turned the bark collars up to shock and put them on the dogs more often. As sad as that is to do, we have to get this girl to sleep when she'll do it. and the barking has decreased.
• I started trying to take control of the situation instead of letting it feel like it's controlling me if that makes sense. I decided to get out of house more. This may be a small town, but they have free grocery pick up. And I freaking love it!
• I started working out more. Even if Kinley has to cry. Or, if she's going to give me 20 minutes and I have to do the dishes, then I'm going to squat and calf raise while doing the freaking dishes. Although this situation ended up much different than I thought it was going to be, that doesn't mean I have no control. One of the best friendships I've made here introduced me to Tessa Romero who is a mindset person on instagram. Her advice has really helped me a lot. One of the things that hit me the most was when she said, "Your kids don't control you or stop you from doing anything, your mindset does. If you aren't working out, it's because you're choosing not to. If you're holding the baby all day long, you're the one making that choice. It's easier to say my baby won't let me put her down because that makes us the victim instead of accepting accountability." So YIKES that is hard to swallow...... but true. 
• They do say that everything happens for a reason. No one ever wants to hear that, and I remember Dallin telling me to "be positive." I didn't want to hear that either. hahaha Not at all. He got a laser beam glare of hatred in response to that gem of advice. Because when you don't see other adults, shower, or do anything but change diapers, clean and try to survive with 2 kids screaming.... being positive doesn't seem like an option. Then I was reading some parenting advice for toddlers and it was basically saying that they learn from your way of being rather than what you say. On a rare solo trip to Walmart (so strange the things I treasure now 😅) I saw this happening when a mom was going back and forth with her toddler. (It's so much easier to see it in other people than it is to see in yourself.) The mom was doing exactly what she was telling the kid not to do. They were both being equally as stubborn as each other, and he was modeling her behavior exactly. I think Cooper was being a mirror of my stress, unhappiness, impatience, negativity, and overwhelm. I decided it wasn't fair to him to expect him to "just get over it" when he's upset about something if I'm not willing to do the same in my own life. I definitely have good moments and bad moments, but ever since then, I am really doing a lot better at it. I knew I had to actually feel it because it's not something I can fake. So I really tried to start being how I wanted Cooper to be. I read a lot about how you can't just expect them to manage their emotions, you have to teach them the exact coping skills because they don't have them. So I started doing this deep breathing thing and saying "keep trying" and he is starting to pick it up. It could be that and it could be that he was getting used to being here and that made the change less scary. But either way, he is doing SO much better than he was. 
• The wind blew the door open again this morning, and it is so cold that Jake didn't really want to run away. Yes, he went out, but he was just in the driveway probably thinking, "Umm do I really want to do this?" lol so there's a silver lining 
• We went to Kinley's 4 month appointment and the doctor said she clearly has acid reflux. (Why wasn't this figured out back in Arizona?!) They gave us medicine and I think it is helping her.
• We have been meeting up with other kids and doing playdates, and they all have such amazing toys that it I didn't feel as guilty about our toy situation. (I have been feeling like Cooper doesn't have enough to get him through a North Dakota winter but we don't have the money to buy any of the things on my idea list.) Also, he LOVES the toys at the library.
• Jake and Sadie got better, and I doubled and tripled up the security on our little temporary fence situation on the side of the house so that they can't get out when we let them out. I remember when I was picking up poop outside thinking how grateful I was to be picking up turds outside instead of wiping poop water out of the carpet inside. It's funny how situations change our perspective so much. Because normally I would have been thinking "this sucks I hate picking up poop."
• The people here are so nice, they seem to be really trying to get us involved and connected. We went to a thing called ECFE and it was amazing. They have lots of different classes and we signed up for all of them. One was a grandparents class and these were pictures from it.

• Getting on Facebook in general was hard for me at first until I got accepted into a Wahpeton moms group and I posted a "hey I'm new here, please be my friend" kind of post and the outpouring of love was so surprising! So many people really wanted to get to know me and it was so nice! I also ended up finding a lot of events and things to do around here so that mom in library was wrong thankfully.
• Our new dishwasher is OUTSTANDING. It could take the asphalt off the road, I swear. My dad installed it and a brand new microwave for us and it's so nice having a vent now over the stove.
• Getting rejection letters was hard, but the truth was it was because I was applying to jobs that I am not qualified for. This doesn't mean that I don't have skills, they're just different. Not any less valuable and not nonexistent. I ended up talking to people who needed help and it made me realize how much I can actually do. The dance studio is looking for a teacher, the newspaper needs writers, my neighbor needs someone to watch her daughter occasionally, the school here would hire me if I got certified in this state, there are restaurants hiring and businesses. I don't know what I will end up doing but it's nice to know that I have options. It also helped me to think that I'm going to get my PM certifications when we have the money to do that and then when I apply I will be more qualified and ready. I'm excited to learn something new and even just having a goal and putting my finger on what it is that I want to do helped me a lot. 
• AEP is almost over! And then dallin will have some time off!! and we're going to put up the Christmas decorations tonight so I am so excited to get into the holiday spirit! It's going to be so beautiful with our big windows and the white snow outside with the fireplace.... ahhhhh 😇
• The situation with cooper's sleep got WORLDS BETTER. One night I just rolled the pack and play in his room and said "if you can't stay in your room you're going to sleep in this." He immediately opened the door several times even after tons of warnings. So he went in the pack and play and he cried the first time but after that he specifically asks to sleep in it. So we went back to being stuck in his bed from 8pm-9am and 12pm-3pm every day. and It is so nice. 
• I ended up doing the dangle for the exact amount of time I felt comfortable with and stopping. Stopping was way way easier this time and there was no pain involved. Now that she's all formula, I am never having to pump and it's so nice. 
• Found Extra Caffeinated coffee kcups for the kuerig. 'Nuff said 😁😜
• Trying things with Kinley helped me feel a little better. I was so depressed before I literally gave up. I had no energy and would just sit there with her while she cried. So not everything has worked, but I've tried playing soft piano music, wearing her in the carrier, different swaddles, putting the snoo in different places, different bottles, different nipples, putting her in the carseat, getting her toys to play with. It has made me feel like I'm at least doing something about it, and I feel like it's helped me bond with her more.

• I decided I needed hobbies or interests that I could put my time into and think about that wasn't about children. So I tried a few recipes and one of them actually turned out delicious! haha it was white chicken chili and holy crap I'm no lying to you- it was sooooooo good. 
• Shelly has been helping with the kids so much and she even started taking Kinder over to her house for weekly sleepovers. It's so nice being able to put Cooper down, take a bath with candles, and then take a unisom and be out for 8 hours straight. When I tell that to people they're always amazed that she does that for me. Its unheard of, so I appreciate her being willing to sacrifice her sleep for me. She also babysits so that we can go out and that is a total God-send. 

I have started looking for "progress not perfection," and whatever you look for you're going to find.

Cute Kinley

She loves to grab her feet and hold them, she can roll and scoot and move all over the place, she loves music and hearing me sing, and she makes the funniest noises. 

Video of her laughing

smiling and frowning in her sleep

Sometimes her hair looks blonde, sometimes brown, sometimes red. Who knows what color it will turn out! It looks different depending on the lighting

 

Her gorgeous blue eyes!! ❤️ 👀 💕 

She can hold her own bottle

She likes holding crinkle things and her rattle

They have some similarities to their looks

I still feel so lucky that I got my girl. I am soooo obsessed with her. I definitely did not feel this bonded with Cooper this young. I am clearly her favorite as well 😊 

Dave took all of these pictures in AZ. She looooves him.

OMG the little baby girl fashion is to die for. the cuteness factor of that little off-the-shoulder number is killin' me.

You know you're in a small town when you go to the pediatrician and at the end of the appointment she says, "Well welcome to town, if you have any questions about the medicine or kids or anything feel free to message me on Facebook." lol hahahaha

Cute Cooper

This is his "tent"

I read something that said “Parents are bothered by tantrums because they tell themselves it must mean something about the type of kid they have or the type of parent they are. Use the mantra, ‘nothing is wrong with me, nothing is wrong with my child, I can cope with this.’ And remember that a toddler having a tantrum is as natural and normal as a 6 year old losing a tooth. It’s all part of those development.”

He loves making her laugh and asks to play with her all the time. He'll say my turn jump. and then he jumps and looks at her and says your turn jump. lol and then I lift her and we pretend she jumped. It's so cute it melts me. He loves her so much. He'll look at her and say Kin kin cute! Or he'll say "hold her" and then pretend to hold her. (it makes him nervous to actually hold her) and he will say hugs and kisses and give them to her.

 

He calls anything yummy "cake"

he loves parks and swings so we visited a few of them before it got cold. 

One time he was swinging and I pushed like I always do, and he just let go and flew forward and skimmed his face and knee across the ground. And he cried and started asking for yogurt and daddy lol cuz that's what makes everything better. This was his face road rash and skinned knee. Very traumatic

He loves the Breckenridge library. And he was so good about putting the toys away after he used them. (Why won't he do that at home?)

One game to beat the boredom was spray water from a spray bottle into the toilet. That lasted a good hour or two. 

Comparison of their two newborn pictures in the hospital hat. Can you tell who is who?

Our new life

This is sweet Beckett with Kinley. They are our new friends. he loves her and she seemed to love standing up in that toy! it was so fun !

Cooper wearing the cute pj's that I worried he'd never wear. He hated shoes, footie pajamas, coats and hats in Az so I worried he'd be so cold here. But all it took was being cold and he changed his tune real quick haha 

Someone invited me to go make a "spruce pot." and I had to ask what the heck that was. It's apparently a porch decoration. I tried to be brave and take a stab at being social but it was scary for me. I'm glad I went and my spruce pot turned out really cute and festive! I love having a front porch now too! I wish I would have taken pictures of my cute fall decor up there. It was so so so cute. The wind here is so strong that it blew away one of my fake pumpkins completely! It's crazy how strong the wind is. It picked up the grill and flipped it on its side. I took our outdoor table into the yard and blew away our outdoor rug. We watched as a woman in the Walmart parking lot couldn't even push her cart because the wind was pushing it over sideways! It completely pushed Cooper over when we were playing outside. Anyways I like the aesthetic of a house with a porch (craftsman/farmhouse style) way more than the southwest style of homes in Arizona with no front porches. I hope my spruce pot doesn't blow away! I can't wait to deck it out with Christmas decorations!

The weird places and positions Cooper would fall asleep before he was in the pack n play.

Coopers favorite books right now are Frozen and Coco because he likes to watch the movie and then read the book. His face in the first picture is hilarious. It could be made into a meme. “My face when someone brings dessert.”lol

I love this. So beautiful. Where we lived before was beautiful too but in a totally different way. So this is "a whole new world" for little Cooper. 

I love that she's getting chubby. This new medicine she's on is helping her sleep so much better which is a game changer.

Dallin's new coat that he spent a crazy amount of $ on. He could go on an expedition to Antarctica now and be toasty warm. 

This kid is so ready to potty train. It's clear he does not want to be in the diapers. He keeps taking them off. It was funny at first, but now it's getting old. I can't wait for Dec 8 to start!

Jake in his sweater sleeping cuz he's old now. Dallin even saw the beginning of cataracts in his eyes.

Now that he doesn't use his bed for sleeping on, it's his trampoline. Every night before bed he gets a minute to jump and he is very obedient when it's time to stop. I've noticed anything I do routinely is never a struggle. Anytime something is new it's like good luck with that lol because he has to understand

😌 Ahhhhh

PETRICORE! 

I love it but Jake is not a fan.

Sitting here watching it rain while I drink my coffee is the most glorious thing in the whole world. 

"If you can't laugh you'll cry..."

I'm so far into "parent mode" since I don't work now that I identified with this more than I used to even though they always would have been true. 

Pics from the first snow

More recent pictures.... because it hasn't stopped snowing for like a week. 

 Driving in the snow and ice is not my favorite and results in a lot of deep breathing lol Dallin went to SLC for work and picking him up from the airport was scary for me. This is what the drive looks like. You pass nothing but farms.

So this is a problem because we don't even own a snow shovel yet! 

When we have a blue sky it's beautiful. When it's gray its..... less beautiful. lol 😂 

BIP!!!

We drink wine, give Cooper his tablet, and completely destress while watching trashy tv together. It is the best part of my day lol Even though it seems small it makes a huge difference. We don't even watch a whole episode usually because Dallin can't come down till late because of work and then it's coopers bedtime. He can only carve out so much time so he ends up working after too and I usually put Kinley to bed. So our evenings are not like most peoples' evenings where they spend lots of time together, eat dinner together, go to bed together, etc. I seriously end up alone all day except for those 30 minutes so I absolutely have to have it. I learned that because before we started doing this I was wayyy more depressed. I love having the fireplace on in the evenings. 

We are being given an opportunity to be patient. 

When I was having a super hard time, even the smallest of inconveniences would break me. Like I got these curtains online (because shopping in person anymore is so difficult with bot kids and the coats and the cold) and when they came they were too short. And in order to return anything on amazon I have to drive an hour to Fargo. I reacted the same when I learned the dryer here (I'm still using shelly's dryer and ours is in the garage) defaults to "eco mode" and all the clothes end up still wet. Normally neither of those things would be a big deal, but I think being depressed and sleep deprived I was like "what next!"

I think it's funny when people complain about the 4 month sleep regression. Kinley has struggled with sleep so bad her entire life that there was no were to "regress" from- so if you find you can complain about a 4 month sleep regression, count yourself as lucky lol 

In our case it ended up being the opposite. Around 4 months is when she started sleeping better. It's all because of the acid reflux medicine, I think. 

This is what Cooper's torture chamber looks like 😅

I felt so bad for the guy trying to cut his hair. He gave him that toy and he was trying to be nice and patient but Cooper was making a huge scene and flailing around. It took me holding him in my lap and my dad holding his head while the guy tried to cut it and he ended up cutting him behind the ear because he was moving so much. It was embarrassing and also heart braking for Cooper, but I felt like I had to do it because his hair got to be so out of control he looked like a crack head and it was all matted in the back after being wet and going to sleep on it, and it he wouldn't let me brush it. (That was a huge run on sentence.) But anyway it was just another part of missing when I had it easy in Arizona. He had sharky's and was used to it so he did better, so his hair looked better and I had daycare and a job so I looked better. lol I just miss looking good. 

Finally that guy gave up and I was thinking maybe Cooper can just get really into wearing hats or something because this is ridiculous. And his hair ended up looking like dumb and dumber. And he has a hairy neck and uneven side burns and chunks that are randomly very long compared to all the hair around it.

You can't really tell very well from the pictures. But I bought a book about getting your hair cut and maybe if I try a different place and give him a dum dum and let him watch his tablet it will work better?

I just miss when things were easy. All I had to do was drop him off at Marni's and nothing was ever an issue. But now there is an "issue" at every step of the way. Want to go out? He refuses to get dressed. Made Mac and cheese? He wants popsicles and only popsicles. 

The things I've been grateful for right now are this amazing toothpaste, and the fact that Jake and Sadie are  at least easy now. My teeth have never been this white! And Jake and Sadie just like to cuddle it's cute.

My birthday

Shelly took the night shift with kin kin and we went to DQ. That was pretty much it. But I did my hair and makeup so I felt a little better. In the pic on the right you can see him whining about who knows what. lol classic.

We're not in Kansas anymore Toto...

Pic on the right is when Dallin first got here and we had no tv. That was rough cuz it was literally all work all the time trying to get this place put together. Not even that little half hour break to watch bip. the pic on the right is some random dog in the neighborhood because no one has fences here and that dog just roams.

Cooper was so excited when he saw him and they played for a while.

 

Dwight Schrute would be proud.

During harvest season there is just semi after semi on the road full of beets. I had never seen a beet in my life before this. They're weird looking

Apparently they use them to make sugar

The trucks go all night long and all day. just full of beets and going to drop off. This sign made me feel like I was in a foreign country

Our neighbors are all so nice. two doors down they have a swing set and they said we could use it anytime since there's no fences. and she brought us cookies to welcome us to the neighborhood 

❤️ 💝 💕 FALL 🥰 

I can tell fall is going to be my favorite part of living here

I didn't get that great of pictures

Zoo

There is a very cute zoo here open spring summer and fall so it is closed now. But we went a couple times and Cooper loved it and so did I!

Getting out of the house

We went to a fundraising event at the Wahpeton library and that was fun. Cooper started playing in the play room until that got old and then started running around like a psycho up and down stairs and I was chasing him so then it got to be less fun 

our dates
#1 Spanky's

This was our first date here and it was to celebrate Dallin's birthday. It was such an amazing time. It was an hour drive (which for people around here that's not bad) and the drive was really pretty. The food was amazing and it was on a lake with a gorgeous view

the carrot cake was to die for

Cooper thought singing and blowing out candles was so fun we did it like 4 times lol

#2 Fundraising Event

We went to this cool restaurant and bar for an event and met so many amazing people. There were a few ladies (that I think shelly asked to help us make friends) who went around making sure we met everybody and it was so nice of them because they definitely made us feel at home. 

The building was so pretty inside

The new House!

We love the windows and the under cabinet lighting. And the fireplace and dishwasher and the floor heating

"I got you, You got me. That's all that we need."-Niko Moon 

These two songs help me when I'm in a bad mood because it helps me remember what matters most

I'm so lucky to have them. As much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I always just pray that they stay healthy and safe and happy. 

so since they are, I have a lot to be grateful for

Turns out I actually like the dogs a lot when they're not pooping on everything I own all the time

I end up taking pictures of her sleeping because she won't sleep anywhere but in my arms. and she's so cute when she's sleeping. she looks like a little angel

Cooper is an NDSCS Wildcats fan

Cooper has been to a lot of games and events at the school and I have been to none hahaha but I have the School apparel so I'm basically a fan

The football team was on espn because they have a 49 year old player and that's a record for college football so that was cool to watch. We went to walk the indoor track with the stroller just to get out

Look at all of our ndscs outfits!

One of the many events they go to as "president and First Lady" 

Luca, Gianna, and Nick Visit!

This was another huge highlight for me. I was sooooooo happy they came. Even though the kids made it busy, it was still so fun. Nice to be social after a long time of not doing that

We went to the zoo and coop and Luca played a lot together.

This was the first time they were both old enough to really interact with each other. It was cute to see them copy each other. I was so thankful they were willing to drive 3 hours just to come see us. They're such good friends and I can't wait to see them again in jan!

Cooper is a mini Dallin and Kinley is a mini me

The dogs are cold..... we're all cold. 

it says 9 degrees out but feels like 1 because of wind

Cooper has a deep love for dirt.

and screen time unfortunately

Coop will be sneaky and open the door to Dallin's office really slowly since he's not sure if he's going to get in trouble or not for going in there while he's working. And then his reactions to videos when dallin lets him watch it are so funny. It makes him emotional

Halloween

We went to a trunk or treat and Cooper just loved looking at all the costumes. He kept asking for the dinosaurs so we kept going to a family dressed in blow up dinosaur costumes and awkwardly staring lol So it wasn't even about the candy for him. We were freezing our butts off and everyone was talking about how warm it was this year for halloween. 

Cooper wore his same pumpkin costume as last year, and Kinley was a little pumpkin too because I put my t shirt over her blankets in her carseat lol and then I put socks in my shoulders and wore dallins jersey to be a football player. 

On the actual halloween night, dallin was working all night long and Cooper through a tantrum trying to put the costume on and then Kinley started crying too so I gave up and we didn't go trick or treating. It was just too much by myself. (And maybe I have to get used to doing halloween by myself if dallin is always gone for it.) Anyways a few kids came to the door and Cooper loved getting to se the costumes and hand out candy. So for him it was probably still a very exciting night. 

To Sum up

I'm sure some day I will look back at this time like "these are the good old days" but for right now they're crazy hard. I think looking at pictures/quotes like this has helped me a lot. Sometimes you need the reminder that what you're doing is important and the way you act will end up shaping them which is huge.

I hope you all have a great thanksgiving!

happy start of the holidays!!

-Sydney